The On-Duty Mindset

Modern policing is defined by chronic understaffing and relentless hypervigilance. According to the 2024 “What Cops Want” wellness survey, over 80% of officers work in understaffed agencies, leading to a culture of perpetual exhaustion.

“Law enforcement officers routinely stay awake for 24 hours or more, skip meals, and remain hyper-vigilant in the worst of human conditions,” says Marika Martin, Ph.D. “To be an effective professional, they can’t afford to feel their feelings. They have to shut them down to survive.”

The difficulty lies in the fact that this “tactical shell” rarely dissolves at the front door. Upon returning home, an officer often remains mentally “on-duty,” scanning surroundings or withdrawing into silence to recover. This emotional withdrawal often leaves partners feeling like they are less important than the officer’s job.

A Jealous Taskmaster

While older statistics often claimed police had the highest divorce rates, recent data from the FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin (2021) and 2024 census-based studies show that officer divorce rates are actually equal to or lower than the national average (approx. 14–15%).

However, the divorce myth hides a deeper truth: 50% of officers report significant relationship conflict.

Dr. Kier Maxwell, Ph.D. compares a law enforcement career to a “jealous taskmaster.”

“When the job calls, it takes precedence over birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and emotional intimacy,” she says. The result is often a “silent divorce,” where partners live under the same roof but are miles apart emotionally.

Cumulative Trauma

The most staggering finding of recent research involves trauma exposure. Longitudinal studies published in 2025 reveal that the average officer faces between 400 and 1,000 critical incidents, such as fatalities, assaults, and child abuse cases) over a 25-year career.

The emotional fallout from witnessing traumatic incidents piles up over time, with profound consequences for the marriage and the family:

• PTSD Prevalence: 1 in 5 officers now meet the criteria for PTSD or Complex PTSD.

• Domestic Tension: Modern research confirms that officer-involved domestic violence remains nearly twice as high as in the general population (~28% vs 16%).

• The “Eggshell” Dynamic: To avoid triggering an officer’s irritability or sudden anger, partners walk on eggshells, creating a marriage defined by distance rather than intimacy.

Coping in the Shadows

Without healthy coping strategies, many officers turn to “liquid therapy” to calm down and numb their feelings. A 2025 report from the National Council for Mental Wellbeing found that 30% of first responders develop a substance use disorder. They primarily turn to alcohol to help them sleep or numb their feelings. Social time with colleagues often involves alcohol, too. As a result, almost 25% of officers meet the criteria for hazardous drinking.

Breaking the Silent Code: Counseling as Tactical Maintenance

In law enforcement settings, stigma is often used to keep emotions tamped down. Officers will be seen as weak if they show the slightest hint of vulnerability. However, as recent research makes clear, the officers who thrive are those who treat their mental health with the same respect as they treat their equipment.

Stigma persists at home. If a partner asks for counseling, the first thing an officer may feel is anger. It’s as if the partner thinks the officer can’t handle things. But marriage counseling can be reframed as a Tactical Debrief for home life. It’s not an admission of weakness. It’s a tool.

Just as a civilian is not expected to understand a 10-code, an officer should not be expected to instinctively know how to respond to marital conflict.

A Future Beyond the Badge

Choosing to be open with a partner—and a professional familiar with law enforcement families—is a declaration that loved ones deserve the same level of protection as the public. By showing the person behind the badge, officers send a message that their loved ones’ needs are important.

Careers don’t last forever. There will come a day when the badge is put away. When that day comes, the luckiest officers will be surrounded by the love of their partners and families. But it isn’t luck that makes that happen. It’s work. And there’s no better time to start building that luck than now.

Caring Couples Connections’ clinicians have training and experience working with law enforcement couples. If you would like more information about how we can help you with communication, call us or e-mail us to schedule a free, confidential phone consultation.

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